Hey Reader,

Society loves clean, simple labels. When confronted with something as heavy and terrifying as suicide, we tend to lean on convenient shortcuts: we call it selfish, cowardly, or point an accusing finger at someone in deep distress, asking, "How could they do that to the people who love them?"

If you’ve ever sat in the dark wrestling with suicidal ideation, or if you’ve loved someone who has, you already know a painful truth: the public narrative couldn’t be further from what is actually happening beneath the surface.

My goal is to break down the mechanics of suicidal thinking, dismantle the most damaging myths surrounding it, and look at what it actually takes to be proactive instead of reactive when it comes to our mental health.

Intrusive Thoughts vs. Impulsive Desires

One of the foundational questions mental health professionals hear constantly is: Are my suicidal urges my true self? Is this my core character revealing itself?

To answer that, we have to separate two very different psychological phenomena: intrusive thoughts and impulsive thoughts.

• Intrusive thoughts are unprompted, disturbing images or ideas that pop into your head out of nowhere—like a sudden, jarring flash of driving your car into oncoming traffic. If the thought shocks, scares, or stresses you out, it’s an intrusive thought. It isn't a secret desire; rather, it’s your brain’s clumsy warning system firing off, a bizarre way of saying, "Hey, existence is fragile, please pay attention." It doesn't mean you want it to happen.
• Impulsive thoughts, on the other hand, carry a core desire. But even when suicidal ideation takes that form, people with lived experience report that it is rarely about wanting to be dead. Almost universally, it is about something else entirely: an overwhelming, suffocating desire for the pain to stop.

The Most Damaging Misconception: Is Suicide Selfish?

This is where the conversation gets personal. My sister, Rachel, died by suicide in 2018, and it’s a label I refuse to let stand. Calling suicide "selfish" or "cowardly" completely misreads the psychological landscape of someone in crisis.

When someone is deep inside a depressive spiral, their brain begins to actively lie to them. They don't think, "I'm hurting everyone by leaving." Instead, clinical psychology points to a phenomenon called perceived burdensomeness. The mental distortion convinces them that they are a financial, emotional, and physical weight on everyone around them. Their brain tricks them into believing that their family, friends, and pets would actually be better off without this "black mess of a human being" weighing them down.

It’s not born out of a desire to inflict pain on others—even though that is the tragic reality left behind for suicide loss survivors. It is born out of a distorted, desperate urge to protect others from enduring them. It is a product of being trapped in the absolute depths of your own personal hell.

What Actually Saves Lives?

When people survive a suicide attempt, the perspective shifts dramatically. Alongside the heavy physical and emotional fallout comes a profound gratitude for moments of unexpected intervention.

What saves lives isn't usually grand gestures, dramatic speeches, or harsh judgments. It's micro-connections.

It’s someone simply showing up. It's a friend handing you a drink, inviting you to a movie, or asking, "How are you holding up? Do you want to go do something together?" It’s a boss or a peer offering their time without slapping labels like "dramatic" or "attention-seeking" on your distress. It’s acknowledging that the pain is real and showing up when it matters most.

Moving Forward

If you are carrying a heavy fog right now, or if you’ve ever caught yourself treating suicidal thoughts like a normal habit or a permanent escape plan, remember this: Your thoughts do not define your core character. They are symptoms. They are distortions, and they lie.

The antidote to that kind of isolation is connection. You don't have to carry the weight of the world alone, and asking for help isn't a burden—it’s the bravest, most vital step you can take toward letting healing begin.

To watch the full episode, hear the complete discussion, and support the show, you can view it directly on YouTube here: Watch the original episode on YouTube.

P.S. - I host a podcast called Something for Everybody and you can listen here.​

Also, you can directly support me and my non-profit here. ​

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